What if you met someone and the connection was unreal?  Too many things in common, not just random stuff like favorite pizza (I’m really weird and love white sauce, chicken and artichoke hearts… also his favorite pizza?)! to birthdays and death days coinciding to the things you’ve been through to… I could go on.

What if you meant someone and you could tell them things in just days of knowing them that you have never told another living soul?

What if there’s talk of meeting his kid?  What if he’s already met my family?

What if it’s only been five days?

What if he tells you he’s in falling in love after five days?

What if you’re falling in love after five days?

Is this even possible?

I normally get along really well with most people, but this is unreal.  But what if it’s unreal because I’m being stupid manic me that I was for the last year?  What if it’s my bipolar and loneliness talking?  What if I’m just in denial again? What if I’m so closed off that I’m already ruining it?  What if I’m overlooking a bunch of stuff to make this the right fit?  What if I’m the crazy Katie?

Anxiety girl is here, and she has not been kind.  The pit in my stomach is unreal, as I try and control all of my feelings and thoughts and process everything.  Sometimes I can’t breathe.  Sometimes I have panic attacks.  Sometimes I want to cry.

And then I stop, and I take a deep breath.  I think about him and I think about seeing him again and I instinctively smile.  The pit goes away. Being with him is the only thing that has made me happy in a long, long time… but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever really been happy before.

I laid it all out.  All my faults, all my brokenness and craziness.  I laid out it all out and he held me tighter.

He does the sweetest things, things I have always wanted from a man but never gotten.  It’s a touchy-feely thing that I’ve missed in all of my relationships.  He kisses the top of my head.  Lays his head on mine.  Comes up behind me and hugs me and kisses my head.

I mean really, how is that not the cutest fucking thing in the world?  And I’ve NEVER had that.  There have been so many times I’m on the verge of telling him I love him, but how I could I possibly know that after only knowing him for a week?

My heart is happy.  My head is scared.

Knowing me, I’ll fuck it all up because that’s what I do.  People get close and I push them away.  It’s sort of a thing.  Hurt you before you hurt me, right? I sabotage everything in my life.

I hope this is what I think and feel it is.  I’m pretty positive it is. I inevitably smile just thinking about him.

Now I just have to let my walls down and let him love me.  Sounds simple right?

Yeah.. simple.

I know that this will be good in my soul.  I know that I may have found the person that I perhaps will spend the rest of my life with.  I know that I’m already worrying about him dying and being a stepmom.

And I know that I worry about worrying about what I know because that can’t be true, that can’t be right… too soon, sistah.

People say you know when you know.  I’ve thought I knew.  And then it turns out it wasn’t, so my judgment is a little suspect.  The huge wall of hesitation and fear to let down my walls to let him in, to open my heart to be broken again, but if I do… If I can get out of my own head and let him love me and take care of me… maybe I’ll be happy for the first time in my life.  Maybe I’ll have someone who will really truly put me first, with my interests above their own.  Maybe I’ll have someone I want to have a family with that wants to have a family with me.  Maybe I’ll have a whole new group of friends that are family.  Maybe I’ll be a stepmom.  Maybe I’ll be good, just good, for once…. but… always the but… what if I can’t?

 

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