I’m doing this thing. This thing called lifeing. I’m adulting all over the place.
I have interviews lined up to go back to work.
I have a boy.
I have a house.
I have friends.
I have happiness.
I have myself.
I have myself and for the first time it’s only about me. I don’t have to worry about anyone else. I don’t have to bend my will to fit into someone else’s box. I don’t have to put their happiness ahead of mine. For once, I just get to be me and breathe and be in peace.
Today I felt like taking the dogs to the beach, so we went.
Yesterday I felt like going for a drive, so I did.
I go and hang out with friends. I go to social events.
I have FUN.
Is this life? Is this what I’ve been missing out on?
Boys who actually take you out and wine and dine you.
Coming and going as I please.
Staying up as late (or going to be as early) as I want.
This is new for me. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always lived my life inside of someone else’s box. They told me what to do. They told me how to feel and what to think. And I let them.
I let all of these people come in and take pieces of me. Some of them were big pieces. Others were so small but over such a long stretch of time that it eroded my heart like a mini Grand Canyon.
I came up here not knowing who I was. I didn’t know any of my favorite things. I didn’t have any hobbies. I didn’t have a lot of friends up here. And slowly, over the past month, I have begun to find myself again. I’ve been in intense therapy. I meditate. I walk on the beach. I play fetch with my dogs. I have dinner with family. I go to friends’ houses. I go downtown and to church.
Oh man I go to church in the most amazing Mission. Every time I’ve come up here over the past 20 years I’ve always loved to go to church with my grandma (who by the way lives down the street) and today I was able to go with her for the first time since being up here. And it was fabulous.. I loved every moment of it. I need to dust off my Bible and my Catholic school girl notes to brush up on responses, and some of them have changed which is weird.
I don’t remember ever being this content, this happy. I don’t remember a time in my life that I was so carefree. I’m broke as shit and don’t have two quarters to rub together, but my heart is full.
And I’m scared. I’m scared of what happens when it gets bad again. But something in my soul says it’s only going to be smooth sailing from here on out. I’ve shed my dead weight. I’m dealing with my demons. I’m letting go of all of the people and thoughts and feelings that hold me back.
It isn’t the same up here. Nothing about me is the same. But what’s life without progess? What’s life without adapting to change?
Life has been good to me in the last month. God has been good to me. God has been so so so good. I honestly couldn’t ask for anything more (except for maybe a job!)
I’m no longer in a million pieces. I’ve picked up the glue, the tweezers, the magnifying glass and I’m starting to put them back together.