It’s been a really hard few days with my dysautonomia and EDS flaring, migraine free mostly thankfully. Lots of super emotional things, like finally saying goodbye to a 5 year relationship, being told that I can’t be associated with anymore by a long time friend.. all the while I’m supposed to moving out on my own like on my VERY OWN for the first time in eight years. I’ve lived at my mom’s for two years. I’m super scared to go, but I know that I need to go. I know that she needs me to go. I’ve been “relaunched” into the world several times, but I need this to be the final time. I’m scared of failing, I’m scared of getting too sick, scared of not having a partner or my mom there. I will have someone in my house every day to be with me, but I won’t have my mom or Jon, which it’s either been one or the other for the last 8 years and I don’t know how to do it without either of them. I mean maybe I do, but at least I don’t feel like I can do it. I just wish it was easier and life was easier. It’s hard being chronically ill, on everyone, the ill one, the partner, the family. I just want things to be easy, for once in my life. It’s easy to live here and give up and just accept it, but that’s not how I’m made.. I wish I could though. I wish I could go back two years and change everything I’ve done in the last two years. I wish I could have done them differenty. But at the same time I don’t. Or at least I don’t think I do. I’m not really sure. Still working that one out. I wouldn’t be here today and I wouldn’t be who I am today if none of the past two years happened, but would I be better off if I did it differently? Maybe. Maybe I would be healthier, maybe I would be married, or maybe I would still be stuck in a shitty relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Maybe two years doesn’t make a difference. Maybe the last two years were a lie. Maybe my relationship ended two years ago, and I just didn’t know it. Maybe he stayed because he felt bad. Maybe because he thought he loved me. But he didn’t love me enough. I wasn’t his one. and I’ve known that for five years. I still know it today. But maybe not. Maybe he doesn’t even know. All I know is that in my almost 29 years on this earth, I’ve been through Hell and back, just a few times too many. So here’s to new beginnings, new adventures, a chance to do me, which has never happened in my life. I’ve never done “me.” I don’t know how to do “me.” It’s always been me taking care of or being taken care of by someone else. Is there a “me?” Who is me? Who am I? I guess the next few months might reveal it!! I hope I’m the person everyone makes me out to be. I would hate to find out I’m the person my brain tells me I am sometimes. But either way, maybe after a lifetime of “them” I will finally have a “me.”

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