It would be amazing to take a day off.  To not deal with everything going on in my head.  To not be anxious and not be stressed and not be a hot mess all the time (and this is one of my better stretches).

But mental illness doesn’t work that way.  You can’t just ‘take a day off’ from anxiety.  It’s there, always, in your mind, in your thoughts, in your actions and your dreams.

Am I anxious?

You fucking bet I am.

Am I stressed?

Hell yes.

Am I depressed?

Maybe a little bit.

But let’s do a little recap of the year:

  1. A new, rare, genetic diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome
  2. A breakup from a partner of four years
  3. Going back to work after a year of not working
  4. Being an editor in the mental health section when you are having mental health issues yourself — reading all their pain and suffering and being able to 100% relate.
  5. Medication Changes
  6. Having issues living at home
  7. Having driven taken away
  8. Have my dog get attacked and need stitches
  9. Panic Attacks… again
  10. Waiting on the results from my SSDI hearing from January.
  11. Insomnia.. again

That’s a basic list.  Now let’s see what I’ve done this year:

  1. Gotten out of bed every day
  2. Sat on the porch
  3. Sat on the couch
  4. Freaking went outside
  5. Went to a big dinner (which I haven’t done in years)
  6. Survived two months of aforementioned job
  7. Doing a lot of work on a project for my mom, all on my own
  8. Getting dressed every day
  9. Brushing my hair every day
  10. Brushing my teeth every day
  11. Writing again
  12. Spending a shit ton of money on something I don’t know will work out
  13. Making new friends
  14. Getting up, each and every day, and doing my best.

Chronic and mental illness are always there.  You can’t just ‘take a day off.’  You can’t just go for a walk and be cured.

My list might not seem that impressive, but considering where I’ve been the last two and a half years, it’s fucking amazing.

I am doing a kick ass job.  I am fighting.  I am not letting the fact that my person who I thought was ‘the one’ doesn’t want to be with me and I’m not his one ruin my life. I’m not letting the fact that I wake up most every day with different joints partially dislocated ruin my days. I’m not letting anything ruin my life.  I keep going.  I keep chugging along, slowly and steadily.

I’m sorry if my illnesses are an inconvenience to you.

Imagine what they must be for me, as I live through them.

 

 

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