Tonight, I sat in mostly silence with my partner. We are lying in bed. He is playing a video game; I am writing. We’ve hardly said anything to each other since climbing into bed.
And it’s been perfect.
My anxiety has been raging out of control lately. Everything is just incredibly overwhelming and even going out of the house has become an ordeal. I feel incredibly defeated by the anxiety that had been at bay (or at least manageable).
Untangling my anxiety from my bipolar is often hard to tease out. Is it depression? Is it a mixed episode? Is it anxiety?
Right now it’s a little of all of the above, but mostly a freezing cold, paralyzing frost of anxiety.
I’m in therapy. I saw my psychiatrist today. I have a worry rock. I bought my Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I know my grounding exercises.
But still–completely and totally paralyzing.
You know fight or flight?
When your anxiety is this overwhelming, it takes a lot of time to decompress. And tonight, I just needed to exist and not do anything but mindlessly scroll through social media. I needed music. I needed my lavender essential oil and to just be.
And my love let me be.
We existed, here in the same space, and I just was able to breathe and let it go and just be.
I am safe. He is here.
I’m calm. Or numb. I can’t tell.
But the silence was peaceful. The fact that he didn’t pressure me to talk and just let me decompress. We were always physically touching, but now I can breathe.
Now, he is asleep with his hand on my knee.
He snores, but it’s a reassuring sound to me after so long together.
I love the shit out of this man. He knows exactly what I need at all times.
He is my boulder.
When the weight of anxiety is suffocating, he pulls me up for air. When the chronic illness gets too much, he reminds me of my good days and down seasons. When my depression comes, he holds me when I cry. Anything that I throw at him… he knows exactly what to do.
I don’t think that a lot of people find love like this. And I don’t think that people with severe and persistent mental and chronic illness find love like this. At least I’m not sure.
All I know, and all I need to know, is that he unconditionally loves and supports me.
Everything else, really, in the grand scheme of things, is meaningless.
Jobs come and go. Money comes and goes. So do homes, friends…. Lots more things than you would think are replaceable.
But love–pure love–is irreplaceable.
He’s not snoring too much right now. I know technically that’s a good thing, but I do find the snoring reassuring, otherwise I’m afraid he has stopped breathing.
What is life without relationships? Family, Spouses, Friends… think of times you have felt lonely. Now feel like that for your entire life. Kind of depressing, huh?
I haven’t had a lot of good stuff happen in the last two and a half years. It’s been a lot of crap.
But I have him. I have love. I have support. I have a soul mate.
For the girl who spent years in destructive and toxic relatinships, this is huge. For the girl who let boyfriends tear her down, this is huge.
We are going on our fifth year together.
I still have walls. I still have wounds from the past that haven’t healed.
I still have the fear of abandonment, no matter how much reassurance I receive.
Letting go of your walls, your safety protocols your guarded your heart with… how can you? When everyone you have ever let in breaks you down a little more?
I guess you shouldn’t ask me. I don’t have the answer, even after four+ years.
But I’m working on it. I’m going to therapy and I’m writing and I’m trying to be the best person I can be so that I can at least feel somewhat worthy of his love.
I am loveable.