One of my earliest posts on The Mighty was a letter to my partner. The first paragraph was, “I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what I’ve recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. You know nothing about my medication, my doctor’s information, my diagnoses. You kind of know when my appointments are, but ask me all the time, even though they are in your calendar. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors.”
My partner took issue with that. I didn’t mean it to come off as negative, but since then he has made a very active effort to know more about my medication, my doctors and my conditions. It’s been very sweet.
This week was especially rough. I don’t think I’ve had as many negative appointments in a row for a while now. I’m feeling like that burden again, the disabled person who doesn’t deserve love. I actually told you to get out now while you can, ever since we learned this could be progressive.
I don’t want to sentence you to a life like that. I don’t want you to have to take care me, not to mention everything I’m unable to do because of my disabilities that will fall to you. I want more for you. I want you to have a partner who can share in all of the wonderful things about life with your. A partner you can go anywhere and do anything with, without a second thought and on a whim. A partner who can start a family with you. Just because I’m sentenced to this life, doesn’t mean you have to be.
I expressed these fears to you. I told to get out while you could. I do this every once in a while, especially when things get bad. And today, you made me laugh out loud with what you said to all of my ranting and raving and telling you to leave me.
“I choose to love you. So shut up and accept it.”
People have always said you can’t help you fall in love with and I believe that. But I also believe that each day is a choice in a relationship—a choice to love your partner. You may fall in love unwillingly or unwittingly, but choosing to love someone beyond that, choosing to make them your life partner, to continue to work on the relationship and the communication every day… All of that is a choice, an active effort we make each day.
We love lots of people in our lives. Some of them are automatic, like family. Others are friends who have become family. And then there’s you. I couldn’t help falling in love with you, but each day we both choose to love each other, to support each other and to fight this fight together.
Normally I talk about what’s like on me to chronically and mentally ill, but it’s just as much of a part of your life as it is mine. We are each other’s “person.” You know everything about me, even the TMI stuff. You know me better than I know myself. You can scrape me off the ceiling and pick me up off the floor.
You are My Love. You are my gift from God for all of the negative things I’ve had in my life, and I will tell you right now that I would go through all of those things again, just to have you in my life.
Even though we are apart right now, I look at that plate we made together and it reminds me each day that it doesn’t matter where we live at this moment but that in the end…
Home is wherever I am with you.
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