I’ve been struggling to write lately. I’ve been struggling to do anything really. My old friend, depression, has paid me a visit.
For the last however-how-long, the darkness has been creeping up on me. It finally enveloped me this week. I’ve been wanting to go back and read my ‘Hope’ post because I felt like that would be a good thing to read as I struggle with my depression. And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t find my hope. I couldn’t find my strength.
But tonight, I read it. And this is what it said:
I’ve put so much good into the world, and I’ve gotten a lot of really bad stuff in my life. But I keep putting the good energy out there, each day, to anyone I can–a smile, a simple conversation or comment…. Because I know it will come back to me one day.
And one day, when you aren’t expecting it, that good will come back to you. And that little flicker, the candle weathering the storm in your window, will grow and grow, lighting up the whole house and driving away the forces that threaten it.
Today, my good came back to me. Despite my struggles the past few months, the good came back today. My candle burns a little bit brighter tonight. I may not be out of the tunnel, but now I know that there is an end. I can see the light, however faint, as I stumble my way through the darkness.
Tonight, the good I’ve been putting into the world came back to me–in a big way and when I wasn’t expecting it. Tonight, I cried, but this time it was tears of joy. It was overwhelming today. With how bad everything has been, I lost sight of my foundation. I lost sight of my candle and my hope.
And the universe and God saw me struggling. They saw my pain; they saw through the brave face and into what has lately been a very sad soul. And they came through, overwhelmingly so.
I haven’t been able to write. I just haven’t had the words. But tonight, I do.
Tonight, I sit here, a little lighter, a little freer. Tonight it was reaffirmed to me that if you put good into the universe, the good will come back to you–in ways and at times you wouldn’t think possible, from people you don’t even know, in ways more powerful than you could have imagined.
Tonight, I meant it from my very core when I said my grateful list. Tonight, I sat in the car and Little Drummer Boy played randomly, which always reminds me of my dad. Tonight, I knew that God and the universe were rewarding me for all of the good I’ve put out.
And to be honest, it was overwhelming. It was powerful. It was an affirmation of everything I’ve ever believed. It was faith, not just knocking on my door but barging in with a superhero cape on. It was hope, making its way back into my life and illuminating my world.
When you think you are alone, when you feel like there’s no way out of the hole you’ve fallen into and you just keep sinking deeper, remember to be faithful. Remember to keep hope. Remember to hold on.
It may seem like the light at the end of the tunnel is not the end, but rather a train barreling towards you at full speed. It may seem like the seasons will never change, that whatever struggles you are having are too much and you just can’t go on.
But you can. And you will. Because that’s what Warriors do. We pick up our swords and shields and we fight. We fight the darkness; we fight the enemies threatening our lives and wellbeing.
Your sword and your shield may be dusty. They might feel clunky and out of place because you haven’t picked them up in so long, but picking them up is the first step of getting out of the hole.
Choose to fight.
Choose to live.
Choose to have faith, in whatever your higher power is.
Be the good in the world, and the good will find you.
Growing up, I always listened to Garth Brooks. He has a song, “Unanswered Prayers,” in which the main line is, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”
We do not have control over our circumstances, only how we react to them. We can think something is so right for us, and yet, it is not in the Master Plan. We may hope and wish and pray for something so hard, almost willing it to happen. And then it doesn’t happen, and we lose faith.
But if you get past that, if you accept life as it comes and put your good into the world, I promise it will come back.
It may take a long time. It may in one big way or lots of little ways. But it will come, as long as you keep fighting and putting your own good into the world.
And when it comes, it will be overwhelming. It will be everything you have dreamt and more, but maybe not at first. It may not have been what you were expecting, but you will come to realize that the universe has answered your prayers and suddenly you too will be lighter and freer.
It really does spring eternal.
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